Almost 5 months and I'm still nicotine free!
My list of things I don't miss when I quit smoking Dec. 5, 2008
I don't miss.....
1. Ashtray taste in my mouth
2. Bad breath
3. Cravings (addiction controlling me) & coughing up stuff you don't want to see coming out of another human being.
4. Dehydration
5. Elevated bloodpressure
6. Fewer chances of getting cancer or other health issues
7. Going outside in winter for a smoke
8. Headaches
9. Insomnia
10. January resolutions to try again
11. Killing myself slowly with every puff
12. Lungs that hurt when I exercise
13. Money wasted on the cost to inhale a burning, toxic "cancer stick"
14. Nausea
15. Only hanging out with other friends who also are chained to a butt
16. Polluting the air with second-hand smoke
17. Quitting continually -- withdrawal -- buying 'the patch' or 'the gum'
18. Run-down feeling with no energy
19. Stinking like crap
20. Under the weather with weakened immune system
21. Very often irritable especially if I don't have a smoke.
22. Waking up and dragging myself out of bed to have that first drag in the morning with coffee.
23. X-Y-Z (beginning letters of chemicals I'm sure are in cigarettes)
4/25/09
Complaining
Last week two of my friends and I started meeting regularly together for a Bible study of a book called "Lord, Change My Attitude: Before Its Too Late" by James MacDonald. This week the lesson is about complaining.
I have to tell you getting through this week without complaining just has not been possible for me, so consider this another…complaint about complaining. Ha! Ha!
Seriously, it has been a very eye opening experience as I've been working through the workbook!!! I will tell you that this week God used a co-worker to open my eyes about my complaining attitude that I didn't see in me. It was quite shocking!
My co-worker basically told me that when I'm at work and behind my desk/computer, filling my role and duties as Admin Supervisor in the Accounting Department, that I'm so different and not someone pleasant to be around because of my attitude. When I'm away from my desk I am great to be around! Then it got me thinking a lot!!!! I had to really reflect and process this.
I was kind of depressed about it at first as I processed it and then I chose to thank God for showing it to me and the next day I thanked her for being honest and telling me the truth. I told her I needed to hear it even though it wasn't pleasant and that I want Jesus to be seen in me no matter which side of the desk I’m on.
Bottom line....I don't deal well with stress and it shows! Its embarrassing because I’ve really been bold in witnessing to my office co-workers and here I am finding another area that can only change through the grace and power of Christ in me. I cried out to God and said, "Jesus I want you to be seen in me whether I'm behind the desk or on the other side of it".
As I was thinking about this and praying, the title of a song I hardly know came to my mind, "Jesus, take the wheel", a song written by Brett James, Hillary Lindsey and Gordie Sampson and was first single from Carrie Underwood's debut album, Some Hearts. As I said, I hardly know this song so I've looked up the lyrics. While I thought about it I just want Jesus to take control of my computer and my desk – to be in charge and keep me calm and aware of my attitude at work.
The lyrics are kind of sad but they are about a woman driving on Christmas Eve with her baby to see family. She had a tough year and a lot on her mind. She wasn’t paying attention and spun out of control in her car. She was so scared she threw her hands up in the air she cried out to God…..
Jesus, take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus, take the wheel
God rescued her as she humbled herself and cried out.
God sees our heart and knows our intentions to grow in Him and to be more like Him God is faithful to honor our cry for help. So I'm encouraging myself in the Lord and realizing that God isn’t finished with me yet. There is always hope. He loves us and never gives up on us. God is God and we are his daughters through Christ Jesus. While we were yet sinners Christ died for us. Remember that His mercies are new every morning.
Lamentations 3:22-23
Because of the God’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
Ezekiel 36:22.
It is not for your sake, O house of Israel, that I am going to do these things, but for the sake of my holy name, which you have profaned among the nations where you have gone. It’s because He promised He would and His integrity is at stake. It was an eternal and unconditional promise and their worthiness is not at issue.
Ezekiel 36:26
I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.
Char
My prayer, "Lord don't let me wander in the wilderness due to complaining, please set me on the right course and renew a right spirit within me. Set my feet to dancing and my heart to rejoicing. Help me to have an attitude of gratitude no matter what my situation.
I have to tell you getting through this week without complaining just has not been possible for me, so consider this another…complaint about complaining. Ha! Ha!
Seriously, it has been a very eye opening experience as I've been working through the workbook!!! I will tell you that this week God used a co-worker to open my eyes about my complaining attitude that I didn't see in me. It was quite shocking!
My co-worker basically told me that when I'm at work and behind my desk/computer, filling my role and duties as Admin Supervisor in the Accounting Department, that I'm so different and not someone pleasant to be around because of my attitude. When I'm away from my desk I am great to be around! Then it got me thinking a lot!!!! I had to really reflect and process this.
I was kind of depressed about it at first as I processed it and then I chose to thank God for showing it to me and the next day I thanked her for being honest and telling me the truth. I told her I needed to hear it even though it wasn't pleasant and that I want Jesus to be seen in me no matter which side of the desk I’m on.
Bottom line....I don't deal well with stress and it shows! Its embarrassing because I’ve really been bold in witnessing to my office co-workers and here I am finding another area that can only change through the grace and power of Christ in me. I cried out to God and said, "Jesus I want you to be seen in me whether I'm behind the desk or on the other side of it".
As I was thinking about this and praying, the title of a song I hardly know came to my mind, "Jesus, take the wheel", a song written by Brett James, Hillary Lindsey and Gordie Sampson and was first single from Carrie Underwood's debut album, Some Hearts. As I said, I hardly know this song so I've looked up the lyrics. While I thought about it I just want Jesus to take control of my computer and my desk – to be in charge and keep me calm and aware of my attitude at work.
The lyrics are kind of sad but they are about a woman driving on Christmas Eve with her baby to see family. She had a tough year and a lot on her mind. She wasn’t paying attention and spun out of control in her car. She was so scared she threw her hands up in the air she cried out to God…..
Jesus, take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus, take the wheel
God rescued her as she humbled herself and cried out.
God sees our heart and knows our intentions to grow in Him and to be more like Him God is faithful to honor our cry for help. So I'm encouraging myself in the Lord and realizing that God isn’t finished with me yet. There is always hope. He loves us and never gives up on us. God is God and we are his daughters through Christ Jesus. While we were yet sinners Christ died for us. Remember that His mercies are new every morning.
Lamentations 3:22-23
Because of the God’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
Ezekiel 36:22.
It is not for your sake, O house of Israel, that I am going to do these things, but for the sake of my holy name, which you have profaned among the nations where you have gone. It’s because He promised He would and His integrity is at stake. It was an eternal and unconditional promise and their worthiness is not at issue.
Ezekiel 36:26
I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.
Char
My prayer, "Lord don't let me wander in the wilderness due to complaining, please set me on the right course and renew a right spirit within me. Set my feet to dancing and my heart to rejoicing. Help me to have an attitude of gratitude no matter what my situation.
4/22/09
Love
"Love can change the heart of any man". This is the phrase, almost a promise, that was running through my head when I awoke this morning. I thought to myself how powerful love is...real love, God's love, God is love. Love is a commitment, a choice, a decision not an emotion, although we can feel loved. We can feel the emotions that lead us to love but this is why so many people are confused by love or have no stamina in their relationships. "I don't love you anymore", means I changed my mind, my commitment, my choice is not to love you anymore because my feelings have changed toward you. Something changed in me. Those are frightening words to hear in a relationship because its very hard to get things back to where they were. I'm not saying it can't be done for it is possible but it will take hard work and commitment from both parties to make it together. This is why relationships fail.
If people are not willing to lay down their lives for the ones they love, then they won't work hard at the relationships that are in trouble. Sometimes, depending upon the type of relationship, its best to walk away and let it die. Not all "relationships" are meant to continue. I've had friendships that ended for the best because it was a toxic relationship. I've experienced relationships that changed beyond any power of my own and the choice was not mine to walk away, therefore I had to accept it and let it go.
Marriage is a sacred thing, a covenant, which many of us do not fully understand the meaning of that word as God meant it to be, however, in today's world it is far too easy to get a divorce. I am so thankful that I have a marriage now that I hold sacred in my heart and am committed to. I am loved and I love. We both work at it, of course, I feel I work at it harder (women alway believe that and its usually true), but there was a time in my life that two failed marriages almost destroyed any faith or hope I might have in finding the love of my life. I had to grow up and maybe he did too -- then we met and are working at our marriage because we are committed to one another.
I am praying for my spouse because I believe the statement I heard in my mind this morning when I awoke. I know that God has the ability and power and desire to change us and not leave us as we are. "Love can change the heart of any man"
Char
****
"There are diversities of operations, but it is the same God which worketh all in all" (1Corinthians 12:6). And it is God Himself Who assuredly promises to anyone who will take Him at His Word, "26 A NEW HEART WILL I GIVE YOU, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh. 27 And I WILL PUT MY SPIRIT WITHIN YOU, and CAUSE you to walk in My Statutes, and ye shall KEEP My Judgments, and DO them" (Ezekiel 36:26-27).
http://www.whatsaiththescripture.com/Fellowship/God.Can.Change.A.Heart.html
And when it comes to man's impenitent heart, frozen in obstinacy, God has provided all that can possibly ever be provided to change that heart. "For whom He did foreknow, He also did predestin to be conformed to the Image of His Son" (Romans 8:29). But when one of the LORD's people knows how to plead the Promises of the Word of God as a mighty praying warrior, an intercessor, whether they be a spouse, a child, a friend, or even a stranger, bringing the name and destiny of a needy soul before the Father's Throne, with our Most Holy Advocate (1John 2:1) and Divine Intercessor (Romans 8:34)-- "Jesus Christ the Righteous" (1John 2:1)-- Himself, presenting the case in the Absolute Language of God's Own Word-- then "HE CANNOT DENY HIMSELF" (2Timothy 2:13). "The Words that I speak unto you I speak not of Myself:but the Father that dwelleth in Me,He doeth the Works"(John 14:10).
If people are not willing to lay down their lives for the ones they love, then they won't work hard at the relationships that are in trouble. Sometimes, depending upon the type of relationship, its best to walk away and let it die. Not all "relationships" are meant to continue. I've had friendships that ended for the best because it was a toxic relationship. I've experienced relationships that changed beyond any power of my own and the choice was not mine to walk away, therefore I had to accept it and let it go.
Marriage is a sacred thing, a covenant, which many of us do not fully understand the meaning of that word as God meant it to be, however, in today's world it is far too easy to get a divorce. I am so thankful that I have a marriage now that I hold sacred in my heart and am committed to. I am loved and I love. We both work at it, of course, I feel I work at it harder (women alway believe that and its usually true), but there was a time in my life that two failed marriages almost destroyed any faith or hope I might have in finding the love of my life. I had to grow up and maybe he did too -- then we met and are working at our marriage because we are committed to one another.
I am praying for my spouse because I believe the statement I heard in my mind this morning when I awoke. I know that God has the ability and power and desire to change us and not leave us as we are. "Love can change the heart of any man"
Char
****
"There are diversities of operations, but it is the same God which worketh all in all" (1Corinthians 12:6). And it is God Himself Who assuredly promises to anyone who will take Him at His Word, "26 A NEW HEART WILL I GIVE YOU, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh. 27 And I WILL PUT MY SPIRIT WITHIN YOU, and CAUSE you to walk in My Statutes, and ye shall KEEP My Judgments, and DO them" (Ezekiel 36:26-27).
http://www.whatsaiththescripture.com/Fellowship/God.Can.Change.A.Heart.html
And when it comes to man's impenitent heart, frozen in obstinacy, God has provided all that can possibly ever be provided to change that heart. "For whom He did foreknow, He also did predestin to be conformed to the Image of His Son" (Romans 8:29). But when one of the LORD's people knows how to plead the Promises of the Word of God as a mighty praying warrior, an intercessor, whether they be a spouse, a child, a friend, or even a stranger, bringing the name and destiny of a needy soul before the Father's Throne, with our Most Holy Advocate (1John 2:1) and Divine Intercessor (Romans 8:34)-- "Jesus Christ the Righteous" (1John 2:1)-- Himself, presenting the case in the Absolute Language of God's Own Word-- then "HE CANNOT DENY HIMSELF" (2Timothy 2:13). "The Words that I speak unto you I speak not of Myself:but the Father that dwelleth in Me,He doeth the Works"(John 14:10).
4/19/09
35 years later
35 years ago today I was walking down the isle of a Nazarene church getting married for the very first time in my life at the age of 18 to a young man I hardly knew. I didn't even know who I was or what I wanted except that I thought I loved him, wanted to be married and to have a baby.
One month later, in May 1974 after getting married, I got pregnant. In November, right around my birthday, we moved to Western Kansas. I gave birth to my first child in February at the young age of 19.
Three years later we were still living in Western Kansas. I had a lot of bad experiences and wanted out of my marriage. My life wasn't what I had planned but in July 1978 I gave birth to a son this time. I was 22 years old, unhappily married, two small children to care for and living 6 hours from home without my family.
Now, here I am 35 years later living in another country, thousands of miles from my home and family, happily married at the age of 53, knowing who I am and why I am here. Knowing my purpose is to encourage the body of Christ, spread the gospel, bring joy and courage to the hearts of people and to love them, I live to be a blessing and to follow Christ.
Charlotte
One month later, in May 1974 after getting married, I got pregnant. In November, right around my birthday, we moved to Western Kansas. I gave birth to my first child in February at the young age of 19.
Three years later we were still living in Western Kansas. I had a lot of bad experiences and wanted out of my marriage. My life wasn't what I had planned but in July 1978 I gave birth to a son this time. I was 22 years old, unhappily married, two small children to care for and living 6 hours from home without my family.
Now, here I am 35 years later living in another country, thousands of miles from my home and family, happily married at the age of 53, knowing who I am and why I am here. Knowing my purpose is to encourage the body of Christ, spread the gospel, bring joy and courage to the hearts of people and to love them, I live to be a blessing and to follow Christ.
Charlotte
4/18/09
Signs
Well it has been confirmed. Spring is here! We are in the midst of it. The birds are building their nests. My tulips are coming up, several are 6 - 8 inches out of the ground already. It is only a matter of time before they will be blooming. I've even heard the sound of lawnmowers around the neighborhood and have witnessed raking of the yards. Therefore the signs of Spring is certain.
True, we might have a day where the weather gets colder and we could still have a light snowfall, but even with that chance, we know that Winter is past. The season has changed.
Ecclesiastes 3:1 There is an appointed time for everything...to everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.
It is very clearly evident if you look at the signs of the times, that our Lord's coming is drawing near. The birth pains and the signs of the times should motivate all of us who call ourselves "Christian" to sit up and take notice, to stand up and be counted, to no longer shut up but to share God's sacrificial love to as many as we can in the time that we have left. The King is returning! Very Soon He Will Arrive.
True, we might have a day where the weather gets colder and we could still have a light snowfall, but even with that chance, we know that Winter is past. The season has changed.
Ecclesiastes 3:1 There is an appointed time for everything...to everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.
It is very clearly evident if you look at the signs of the times, that our Lord's coming is drawing near. The birth pains and the signs of the times should motivate all of us who call ourselves "Christian" to sit up and take notice, to stand up and be counted, to no longer shut up but to share God's sacrificial love to as many as we can in the time that we have left. The King is returning! Very Soon He Will Arrive.
4/11/09
Easter
Easter memories. As a child I remember dying hard-boiled eggs in vinegar and food coloring. My fingertips were different colors as a result. Then I added stickers to each egg, drew on them with crayons gently, or some other creative method to embellish the egg. When they were done I placed them in a basket of shining, shredded plastic fake grass. That's all I remember about that, except getting to eat them evidently. I also remember finding a basket on our doorstep left by the Easter bunny full of chocolate Easter bunnies to be eaten and a basket of fake plastic eggs full of candies.
I remember something called "peeps" that were marshmallow candies in the shape of rabbits and baby chickens. I remember baking cakes with my mom for Easter. The cakes started out looking like an ordinary round layer cake decorated with shredded coconut that had been shaken in a jar of green food coloring to make the coconut look like grass. Then I sprinkled it all over the cake and put jelly beans on the top to look like eggs. Later on the cakes became more creative as they were cut into patterns and then re-assembled with toothpicks to look like a rabbit. Each year we tried this the cake came out different.
I remember my mother and I going shopping for new Easter dresses and shoes. We would go to church together somewhere for certain. I loved it. Later on church on Easter became plays and skits that I would hope would entice my parents to come to church. I would like to believe my father came but I can only remember his strong aversion to church. He only went for weddings and funerals. I don't think he went to my church plays, musical, or readings. At least I only remember the hope and then disappointment so I don't remember him coming.
As a teebager and young adult I remember going to Easter sunrise services to understand clearly the celebration of the resurrection of Jesus Christ.
Now that I am 53, living in the year 2009, I realize also how important it is when it comes to religion. No other faith celebrates the resurrection of their god they believe in and follow his teachings. That is because the man they worship, no matter how great a man he was, is still buried in a tomb or grave. The entire faith of Christianity is based on the power of the resurrection. Jesus is alive and is coming again for his church as he promised.
Easter celebrates life because it is spring time and everything is starting to arise, however the most important seed to arise is the one that was buried as a sacrificial body for the sin of mankind...planted in death, comes again in life. That is why the symbolism of baptism, buried with Christ and coming up out of the water, we have arisen with Christ by faith, a new creation. The seed of Abraham has arisen and taken his rightful place seated at the right hand of the Father. Jesus awaits until he is given the word to go and get his church and bring them to the Father. Jesus Christ is the way, the only way to the Father. "In my Father's home [heaven] there are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I [Jesus] am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me" (John 14:2-3, NIV).
I have my hope in the resurrection of Christ, for without that the Bible is a lie. The witnesses that saw the empty grave, saw him walk through walls, saw him appear in the middle of a room, saw the holes in his hands and feet, saw him changed, saw him stand on the mount of Olives and raise into mid air ascending upward toward heaven. These accounts were recorded for all history and then there is the empty tomb in Jerusalem. I don't have to go there to see it to believe it and that is why it is faith. I feel sorry for those who choose nothing to believe in or who are following a dead god and religion that will never understand grace.
This Easter is a very real passion arising in me because I believe with all my heart that Jesus is coming back and he is coming very soon.
I remember something called "peeps" that were marshmallow candies in the shape of rabbits and baby chickens. I remember baking cakes with my mom for Easter. The cakes started out looking like an ordinary round layer cake decorated with shredded coconut that had been shaken in a jar of green food coloring to make the coconut look like grass. Then I sprinkled it all over the cake and put jelly beans on the top to look like eggs. Later on the cakes became more creative as they were cut into patterns and then re-assembled with toothpicks to look like a rabbit. Each year we tried this the cake came out different.
I remember my mother and I going shopping for new Easter dresses and shoes. We would go to church together somewhere for certain. I loved it. Later on church on Easter became plays and skits that I would hope would entice my parents to come to church. I would like to believe my father came but I can only remember his strong aversion to church. He only went for weddings and funerals. I don't think he went to my church plays, musical, or readings. At least I only remember the hope and then disappointment so I don't remember him coming.
As a teebager and young adult I remember going to Easter sunrise services to understand clearly the celebration of the resurrection of Jesus Christ.
Now that I am 53, living in the year 2009, I realize also how important it is when it comes to religion. No other faith celebrates the resurrection of their god they believe in and follow his teachings. That is because the man they worship, no matter how great a man he was, is still buried in a tomb or grave. The entire faith of Christianity is based on the power of the resurrection. Jesus is alive and is coming again for his church as he promised.
Easter celebrates life because it is spring time and everything is starting to arise, however the most important seed to arise is the one that was buried as a sacrificial body for the sin of mankind...planted in death, comes again in life. That is why the symbolism of baptism, buried with Christ and coming up out of the water, we have arisen with Christ by faith, a new creation. The seed of Abraham has arisen and taken his rightful place seated at the right hand of the Father. Jesus awaits until he is given the word to go and get his church and bring them to the Father. Jesus Christ is the way, the only way to the Father. "In my Father's home [heaven] there are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I [Jesus] am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me" (John 14:2-3, NIV).
I have my hope in the resurrection of Christ, for without that the Bible is a lie. The witnesses that saw the empty grave, saw him walk through walls, saw him appear in the middle of a room, saw the holes in his hands and feet, saw him changed, saw him stand on the mount of Olives and raise into mid air ascending upward toward heaven. These accounts were recorded for all history and then there is the empty tomb in Jerusalem. I don't have to go there to see it to believe it and that is why it is faith. I feel sorry for those who choose nothing to believe in or who are following a dead god and religion that will never understand grace.
This Easter is a very real passion arising in me because I believe with all my heart that Jesus is coming back and he is coming very soon.
4/2/09
Memories of Momma
October 21st, 1999 (one month later)
I just miss her so much and I feel like nobody understands. I feel like everyone including my husband expects me to just move forward with my life. I have feelings that I never get to express even when it is just through tears or mind numbing and motionless wandering through the house. This isn't about my mother -- I'm not sad for her, I'm sad for me. I know she wouldn't want this for me but she is gone now and I want to feel and express my own personal sadness and my own personal loss. I'm afraid of getting really depressed but I'm afraid of what will happen to me if I don't let myself feel the grief. Why should I have to pretend I'm happy or "okay" just so other people aren't uncomfortable? I don't feel "okay". I miss her. I feel like there is a big hole inside of me -- an empty spot. Something is missing in my world -- in me, my mom is gone from my life. I'm not mourning her death because it was beautiful and truly I know exactly where she is --she is not missing. No, I grieve and mourn her loss from my life. I am the one left behind to feel the void of her presence.
I remember God telling me the night she died that whenever I want to talk to her all I have to do is write a letter and talk to her. So I will try that.
Hi, Mom. I'm here in my house typing on the computer. I miss you so much. I want to hear your voice talking to me and I want to feel your arms around me. I don't want to feel sad but I miss you so much every day. I think of you every time I turn around. The seasons have changed, it is fall here now. That was your favorite time of the year. I bought a CD the other day that you would have liked -- called "Windsong". It’s all full of nature sounds and beautiful, soft soothing music that reminds me of you. I feel close to you when I listen to it. I feel like my momma is holding me and stroking my hair and hugging me. I've been wearing your rings and your clothes. I talked to Dad this week. He misses you so much. He said, "I miss that woman every day." I feel so sorry for him but I honestly think he is doing better than I am. I know I'll get there! It will just take time! I have to give myself time to heal. I wish I could pick up the phone and call you. I wish I had taped our phone calls. I wish I had video taped your visit here for our wedding. I'm so glad you got to come to my wedding, Momma. It’s like God allowed the timing to be right so that you could have this time here with us in Canada. I wish we would have had more time together here. I wish we would have planned it sooner or somehow earlier so that you would have felt better before the cancer began taking over your body so quickly. I'm so glad we squeezed in those moments in our life together. I'm so glad you held me in your arms in the swimming pool at Canyon Hot Springs. I'm so glad you got to be part of our wedding and get to know Brian a little. I'm so glad you made your last quilt for me.
I'm so glad you got to see the mountains and the sights of Calgary. I'm so glad I got to come home and take care of you and spend time with you alone without Dad or anyone else. I remember the nights we would sit together working on projects and laughing about things -- oh God, how I wish we could have frozen time and stretched those moments in time. I would have liked to wave a wand and frozen everyone so that just you and I could fly away together like we did when we went camping one summer. I think that was my most memorable time alone with you that I will cherish. I've got to dig out my video tapes and watch them again.
I'm going to say goodbye for a little while now. Until the next time......
Love,
Charlotte
I just miss her so much and I feel like nobody understands. I feel like everyone including my husband expects me to just move forward with my life. I have feelings that I never get to express even when it is just through tears or mind numbing and motionless wandering through the house. This isn't about my mother -- I'm not sad for her, I'm sad for me. I know she wouldn't want this for me but she is gone now and I want to feel and express my own personal sadness and my own personal loss. I'm afraid of getting really depressed but I'm afraid of what will happen to me if I don't let myself feel the grief. Why should I have to pretend I'm happy or "okay" just so other people aren't uncomfortable? I don't feel "okay". I miss her. I feel like there is a big hole inside of me -- an empty spot. Something is missing in my world -- in me, my mom is gone from my life. I'm not mourning her death because it was beautiful and truly I know exactly where she is --she is not missing. No, I grieve and mourn her loss from my life. I am the one left behind to feel the void of her presence.
I remember God telling me the night she died that whenever I want to talk to her all I have to do is write a letter and talk to her. So I will try that.
Hi, Mom. I'm here in my house typing on the computer. I miss you so much. I want to hear your voice talking to me and I want to feel your arms around me. I don't want to feel sad but I miss you so much every day. I think of you every time I turn around. The seasons have changed, it is fall here now. That was your favorite time of the year. I bought a CD the other day that you would have liked -- called "Windsong". It’s all full of nature sounds and beautiful, soft soothing music that reminds me of you. I feel close to you when I listen to it. I feel like my momma is holding me and stroking my hair and hugging me. I've been wearing your rings and your clothes. I talked to Dad this week. He misses you so much. He said, "I miss that woman every day." I feel so sorry for him but I honestly think he is doing better than I am. I know I'll get there! It will just take time! I have to give myself time to heal. I wish I could pick up the phone and call you. I wish I had taped our phone calls. I wish I had video taped your visit here for our wedding. I'm so glad you got to come to my wedding, Momma. It’s like God allowed the timing to be right so that you could have this time here with us in Canada. I wish we would have had more time together here. I wish we would have planned it sooner or somehow earlier so that you would have felt better before the cancer began taking over your body so quickly. I'm so glad we squeezed in those moments in our life together. I'm so glad you held me in your arms in the swimming pool at Canyon Hot Springs. I'm so glad you got to be part of our wedding and get to know Brian a little. I'm so glad you made your last quilt for me.
I'm so glad you got to see the mountains and the sights of Calgary. I'm so glad I got to come home and take care of you and spend time with you alone without Dad or anyone else. I remember the nights we would sit together working on projects and laughing about things -- oh God, how I wish we could have frozen time and stretched those moments in time. I would have liked to wave a wand and frozen everyone so that just you and I could fly away together like we did when we went camping one summer. I think that was my most memorable time alone with you that I will cherish. I've got to dig out my video tapes and watch them again.
I'm going to say goodbye for a little while now. Until the next time......
Love,
Charlotte
Hope
While having my morning coffee I suddenly heard a sound that caused my heart to beat faster as a joy began to rise up within in me. That sound was the sound of hope. What does hope sound like. Well, let me describe it.
After a long, cold winter here in Canada, as I sit snuggled inside my house knowing that several inches of snow still remain in my backyard, I suddenly hear the first sound of spring. Robins singing!!!! The Robin's beautiful chirping makes me jump for joy because the silence has been broken and hope has arisen in my heart that Spring is just around the corner.
Though I don't see Spring yet and it still looks and feel a bit like Winter, especially some days worse than others, I have hope that Spring is just around the corner. Nature knows --- I believe this, to watch the signs of the times, the changing of the seasons -- so watching and listening, I have hope because the sound of Spring has been heard.
Hebrews 11:1 (various translations)
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.(KJV)
Faith assures us of things we expect and convinces us of the existence of things we cannot see. (God's Word translation 1995)
Now faith is a well-grounded assurance of that for which we hope, and a conviction of the reality of things which we do not see. (Weymouth)
After a long, cold winter here in Canada, as I sit snuggled inside my house knowing that several inches of snow still remain in my backyard, I suddenly hear the first sound of spring. Robins singing!!!! The Robin's beautiful chirping makes me jump for joy because the silence has been broken and hope has arisen in my heart that Spring is just around the corner.
Though I don't see Spring yet and it still looks and feel a bit like Winter, especially some days worse than others, I have hope that Spring is just around the corner. Nature knows --- I believe this, to watch the signs of the times, the changing of the seasons -- so watching and listening, I have hope because the sound of Spring has been heard.
Hebrews 11:1 (various translations)
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.(KJV)
Faith assures us of things we expect and convinces us of the existence of things we cannot see. (God's Word translation 1995)
Now faith is a well-grounded assurance of that for which we hope, and a conviction of the reality of things which we do not see. (Weymouth)
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