Grattitude

Today was a normal day. I've been trying to get back to a "normal" day for almost 2 months. I started my day by coming downstairs and making coffee. That doesn't sound like a big deal but it was to me. For the last 7 weeks, my husband has been taking care of me and doing everything for me. This was the first morning I did what I "normally" would do and it was actually a sign of progress to get "back to normal"....back into a regular routine.


A lot has happened in the last two months. I broke my leg and was only allowed to walk, or rather hop, on one leg for 6 weeks while using a walker or crutches. Now that the cast has been removed, I am forced to re-learn how to walk normally using both legs and feet. The situation has made me realize how fortunate I really am. Some people remain handicapped for a lifetime, while mine was just temporary. It makes me grateful that I can go back to using two legs and that I have all my other body parts needed. I think we should all learn to appreciate what we have instead of taking it for granted that it will always be there, ready and available for us. Of course, that goes for people too. Our health is something we should appreciate and take care of. I'm thankful this year is my year to becoming increasingly healthier. That's what I am suddenly thinking about.


Shortly after I broke my leg, I learned that my brother passed away. He was the last of my family. Sometimes I feel sad and lonely, almost the last of my kind so to speak...the end of a generation. My kids helped me get through the grief. I am very grateful that I have two wonderful children who love me and are there for me when I need them. I'm grateful that they have each other to lean on too. Families should stick together to help one another and my children are like that.


I was inspired to create a memorial website to honor my brother's memory. I'm grateful for having him in my life even though he was my much older brother. We grew closer in the last 15 years, especially the last 10 years. I'm so grateful that I have some really good memories of him to hold onto.


While I was off work waiting on my leg to heal, my employer paid me for this time off. That is a favor I certainly didn't expect but am very, very grateful for. i don't know what we would have done if I didn't have a paycheck coming in since my husband has been unemployed since October last year. I know my God shall supply all my needs according to His riches in glory.


I am grateful that I have a nice home, a husband who loves me, two great kids who also make good parents to my grandchildren. I am also grateful they are married to some pretty awesome spouses too. I am particularly grateful for the opportunity to be a grandmother and that my grandchildren are getting to know me and I, them even though we live thousands of miles apart. I'm grateful for internet and webcams.


I appreciate my life and thank God for his favor as a child of God. I thank Him for everything from a beautiful sunrise to helping me find something I misplaced in the house. Sometimes I notice and appreciate God's handiwork in the simplest things. We use to call that 'looking for the silver lining' or 'making lemonade out of lemons'. Its a positive attitude resulting from a heart of gratitude. If you stay humble and appreciate even the smallest things then you probably can avoid having a bad attitude toward life. I have known some people who have a chip on their shoulder and think the world owes them something. They don't appreciate the generosity of others and find it too hard to even say thank you. Instead, they accept a gift and complain about it to everyone and sometimes right to the face of the person who gave it to them. Nothing is ever good enough for them. These kind of people really unhappy.


My motto is to always say thank you even for the smallest things, even if you don't like the gift that is given, be kind and gracious enough to be grateful for the act of generosity. Look past the object into the heart of the giver. It truly is 'the thought that counts' as they say. Stay grateful and watch how God will continue to bless you because your heart is open and appreciative.


Meanwhile I am grateful for my life and I like that about me.

Vulnerability

I'm back at work now and feeling very strange. I am anxious and fearful. I need to pray about this and find courage in my faith to make it through one more "test" of life. Some of this anxiety is obviously due to my current health issues as I'm trying to regain physical and mental strength. After breaking my ankle I had to adapt to using only one leg. Now, here I am again, adapting -- this time I'm learning how to walk again. Its not just learning how to walk physically but spiritually. During my time off I was able to quiet myself and listen.


Now I am dealing with "getting back into action" or "how to be normal again". I so want my life back but a better life, a stronger me. I want to be stronger in mind, body and spirit.


As I re-enter the work force and get back to my old job, I can't help but empathize with others who find themselves in a similar situation. I can kind of understand what new mothers might feel returning after maternity leave. Although I was absent for only 5 weeks, I feel very "out of place" coming back. At first I came back part-time for 2 weeks and now I'm up to full-time again. That first week back was extremely stressful. It felt like I had jumped onto a treadmill already running at top speed but I was unprepared. I felt like I got hit by 300 lb pro-wrestler when the stress tried to jump right on me and pin me down.


I'm still out of my comfort zone as I am using someone else's desk for the time being because I'm not allowed to use the stairs until I can walk much better. Its funny how you associate your responsiblity with your surroundings as though you can't function with full ability until you get back to your own desk.


I think I am feeling insecure. My assistant has been doing an amazing job without me and is still handling things even though I am there. I'm very proud of her but I'mk feeling as though I'm not needed. Its almost as though I could walk out that door and know that the office would get by without me just fine. Its like being a mother -- you raise your children to be on their own but when they are you feel like you aren't needed anymore and it hits you unexpectedly.


It also explains my low work-drive. Although I'm at work, I've been taking it easy and haven't taken back much responsibility. That also explains why I've been feeling guilt as she continues to carry a heavier load. I feel like I can't help lift that load until I get back to my full self at my own desk and yet, it doesn't seem right to let her carry it.


My first week back was quite stressful. It was extra hard because my employer was dealing with her own stress at another office out of town. The employees there were stressed under the heavy volume of work. So I'm feeling surrounded by stress! I made an error in judgment and failed to communicate effectively. My boss was upset with my office (myself and my assistant). Then the next week, a manager at another branch was upset with my response to his email. It just got worse even though I made a second attempt to explain myself.


Stress -- trying to please everyone is stressful and makes me ask the question, "Who are we trying to please"? Our bosses, our customers, our suppliers, our co-workers, our employees, ourselves, our family, our friends, who? I wonder, if we weren't all so busy trying to perform perfectly to make everyone happy, would we have so much stress? What can we do to help ourselves deal with stress? How can we change our little corner of our world to make it less stressful?


In the meantime, what I like about me is that I'm vulnerable, which means if I'm honest with myself there's hope for improvement...an opportunity for change.