October 21st, 1999 (one month later)
I just miss her so much and I feel like nobody understands. I feel like everyone including my husband expects me to just move forward with my life. I have feelings that I never get to express even when it is just through tears or mind numbing and motionless wandering through the house. This isn't about my mother -- I'm not sad for her, I'm sad for me. I know she wouldn't want this for me but she is gone now and I want to feel and express my own personal sadness and my own personal loss. I'm afraid of getting really depressed but I'm afraid of what will happen to me if I don't let myself feel the grief. Why should I have to pretend I'm happy or "okay" just so other people aren't uncomfortable? I don't feel "okay". I miss her. I feel like there is a big hole inside of me -- an empty spot. Something is missing in my world -- in me, my mom is gone from my life. I'm not mourning her death because it was beautiful and truly I know exactly where she is --she is not missing. No, I grieve and mourn her loss from my life. I am the one left behind to feel the void of her presence.
I remember God telling me the night she died that whenever I want to talk to her all I have to do is write a letter and talk to her. So I will try that.
Hi, Mom. I'm here in my house typing on the computer. I miss you so much. I want to hear your voice talking to me and I want to feel your arms around me. I don't want to feel sad but I miss you so much every day. I think of you every time I turn around. The seasons have changed, it is fall here now. That was your favorite time of the year. I bought a CD the other day that you would have liked -- called "Windsong". It’s all full of nature sounds and beautiful, soft soothing music that reminds me of you. I feel close to you when I listen to it. I feel like my momma is holding me and stroking my hair and hugging me. I've been wearing your rings and your clothes. I talked to Dad this week. He misses you so much. He said, "I miss that woman every day." I feel so sorry for him but I honestly think he is doing better than I am. I know I'll get there! It will just take time! I have to give myself time to heal. I wish I could pick up the phone and call you. I wish I had taped our phone calls. I wish I had video taped your visit here for our wedding. I'm so glad you got to come to my wedding, Momma. It’s like God allowed the timing to be right so that you could have this time here with us in Canada. I wish we would have had more time together here. I wish we would have planned it sooner or somehow earlier so that you would have felt better before the cancer began taking over your body so quickly. I'm so glad we squeezed in those moments in our life together. I'm so glad you held me in your arms in the swimming pool at Canyon Hot Springs. I'm so glad you got to be part of our wedding and get to know Brian a little. I'm so glad you made your last quilt for me.
I'm so glad you got to see the mountains and the sights of Calgary. I'm so glad I got to come home and take care of you and spend time with you alone without Dad or anyone else. I remember the nights we would sit together working on projects and laughing about things -- oh God, how I wish we could have frozen time and stretched those moments in time. I would have liked to wave a wand and frozen everyone so that just you and I could fly away together like we did when we went camping one summer. I think that was my most memorable time alone with you that I will cherish. I've got to dig out my video tapes and watch them again.
I'm going to say goodbye for a little while now. Until the next time......
Love,
Charlotte
2 comments:
That journal entry was written one month after my mom died in 1999. Today, nearly 10 years later, I still miss her terribly. Once in awhile I'll have a very sad, overwhelming day of grief where I miss her so much that I can't stop crying. This doesn't happen very often but when it happens I can't seem to do anything about it but let it flow. I've noticed when I'm struggling with something in my life, where a girl would normally want to talk to her mother, this is when I feel very sad and miss my mother the most. Sometimes, though, its just that I miss her smile, her voice and her laugh and the joy she was to be around. I think of her all the time. Her creativity is all around me. I look forward to seeing her in heaven again.
When you have those sad days Char, maybe it is time to write another letter. It was beautiful. I do understand - I miss mine too.
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