Alone

I am tired, weary actually, and am praying, begging that God will hear me and change something for me because I am too tired to do it alone anymore.


What am I talking about? Something as simple as going to church. For the past 50 years I've had to drag people to church with me...my husbands (I've had 3), my children (train a child in the way they should go...), my family -- parents and I'm just tired. I've prayed my family into the kingdom of God. I've stood by them, prayed for them and tried to be an example of Christian faith and love. I've went to church and fought the fight of faith but I'm so bone tired and weary of going it alone that today it hit me hard.


I've been struggling to go to church for months since my health began to diminish due to an accident. Finally, I feel stronger physically but emotionally I'm a wreck. Probably needed to go to church but the effort to get there (45 minute drive) seemed even too much for me. I had a bit of a struggle again (as usual) on Sunday morning with my husband and I had to fight to go to church. I got into the car and started out. I didn't get very far when the tears started pouring out and running down my face.


I began praying to God and weeping harder and harder. I knew I wasn't really going to drive across the city to go to church, not when I wanted to pull over and just throw myself in to God's arms and cry.


The Bible says that God bottles up our tears. He knows our heart's cry. He knows we are weary but says do not faint or grow weary in well doing for you will reap a great reward but I'm just so tired. I am very, very sad today. My emotions are dark and depressed but its more than just a 'today feeling', its more like a load of tears held back inside my heart that can't be held back anymore. I don't want to walk through the next years of my life alone in Christ. I tired of doing it.


Its my fault for loving someone that doesn't really believe in God. He is a good man. He knows there is a God and he believes but the Bible says that even the demons know and believe. We have to go beyond simply knowing and believing, we have to open our heart, cry out to God and ask Him to forgive us our sin by the cleansing blood sacrifice of his only begotten son, Jesus Christ. Open the door and invite God into our lives to stay with us, to become the head of our heart's home. Who is the ruler of your heart's home? Is God in charge?


I am crying out to God to change my heart and change my life because obviously there are things to do but I can't fulfill my destiny like this. I need help. I need a help-mate. I need to be part of a 3-stranded cord united with Christ, my husband and me. The road is going to get a lot tougher so I need more than just God's grace to endure and overcome, I need a change of heart and an armor bearer of my own. I need my husband to not only support me but something that has been my heart's desire all my life is to have a Christian husband as my leader and caretaker.


Husband love your wives as Christ loves the church and tend to her as a garden.


For I can't go it alone anymore, God, help me, give me the partner I need on this earth to help me make it through to the end.


Amen, that is my prayer.