Vulnerability

I'm back at work now and feeling very strange. I am anxious and fearful. I need to pray about this and find courage in my faith to make it through one more "test" of life. Some of this anxiety is obviously due to my current health issues as I'm trying to regain physical and mental strength. After breaking my ankle I had to adapt to using only one leg. Now, here I am again, adapting -- this time I'm learning how to walk again. Its not just learning how to walk physically but spiritually. During my time off I was able to quiet myself and listen.


Now I am dealing with "getting back into action" or "how to be normal again". I so want my life back but a better life, a stronger me. I want to be stronger in mind, body and spirit.


As I re-enter the work force and get back to my old job, I can't help but empathize with others who find themselves in a similar situation. I can kind of understand what new mothers might feel returning after maternity leave. Although I was absent for only 5 weeks, I feel very "out of place" coming back. At first I came back part-time for 2 weeks and now I'm up to full-time again. That first week back was extremely stressful. It felt like I had jumped onto a treadmill already running at top speed but I was unprepared. I felt like I got hit by 300 lb pro-wrestler when the stress tried to jump right on me and pin me down.


I'm still out of my comfort zone as I am using someone else's desk for the time being because I'm not allowed to use the stairs until I can walk much better. Its funny how you associate your responsiblity with your surroundings as though you can't function with full ability until you get back to your own desk.


I think I am feeling insecure. My assistant has been doing an amazing job without me and is still handling things even though I am there. I'm very proud of her but I'mk feeling as though I'm not needed. Its almost as though I could walk out that door and know that the office would get by without me just fine. Its like being a mother -- you raise your children to be on their own but when they are you feel like you aren't needed anymore and it hits you unexpectedly.


It also explains my low work-drive. Although I'm at work, I've been taking it easy and haven't taken back much responsibility. That also explains why I've been feeling guilt as she continues to carry a heavier load. I feel like I can't help lift that load until I get back to my full self at my own desk and yet, it doesn't seem right to let her carry it.


My first week back was quite stressful. It was extra hard because my employer was dealing with her own stress at another office out of town. The employees there were stressed under the heavy volume of work. So I'm feeling surrounded by stress! I made an error in judgment and failed to communicate effectively. My boss was upset with my office (myself and my assistant). Then the next week, a manager at another branch was upset with my response to his email. It just got worse even though I made a second attempt to explain myself.


Stress -- trying to please everyone is stressful and makes me ask the question, "Who are we trying to please"? Our bosses, our customers, our suppliers, our co-workers, our employees, ourselves, our family, our friends, who? I wonder, if we weren't all so busy trying to perform perfectly to make everyone happy, would we have so much stress? What can we do to help ourselves deal with stress? How can we change our little corner of our world to make it less stressful?


In the meantime, what I like about me is that I'm vulnerable, which means if I'm honest with myself there's hope for improvement...an opportunity for change.